My skepticism was fueled by all the manipulations I witnessed, both in the political and spiritual realms. Paradoxically, on one hand, reason deployed all the art of manipulation to make a dictatorship palatable and, above all, digestible, which supposedly, in the name of the proletariat, would liberate the proletariat. On the other hand, I was a firsthand witness to a magical and fabricated world that, for reasons not relevant to detail here, aimed to make many people believe in supernatural phenomena that never existed.

It’s similar to what Houdini felt when he exposed so many charlatans, and I also saw a certain tenderness in how Arthur Conan Doyle, simply because he wanted to believe, allowed himself to be deceived by all the spiritualist circles of the time. We are talking about the creator of Sherlock Holmes, a rationalist par excellence.

Negative experiences can deeply influence our perception of both politics and spirituality, fostering a natural distrust towards what seems like manipulation and deception. We have seen how the manipulation of reason can turn a dictatorship, presented in the name of the proletariat, into a supposed liberation for the same proletariat.

In the spiritual realm, I witnessed fabricated phenomena intended to make us believe in the supernatural, which never really existed. The comparison to Houdini, who spent much of his career exposing supernatural frauds, and Arthur Conan Doyle, who was deceived by spiritualist circles due to his desire to believe, is fitting. Houdini demonstrated throughout his life that many phenomena considered supernatural were nothing more than well-executed tricks. On the other hand, Doyle, despite his fame as the creator of Sherlock Holmes and his reputation as a rationalist, fell victim to his own desire to believe in something beyond the natural.

Skepticism arises when these two worlds of manipulation, both political and spiritual, intertwine. The search for truth becomes an arduous path, where it is crucial to discern between what is genuine and what is fabricated. This desire for discernment is essential to avoid the trap of cynicism and remain open to the truth, in line with the Christian call to prudence and discernment.

Authentic faith in the Catholic realm requires a constant search for the truth. The Catechism of the Catholic Church reminds us of our vocation to apostolate and the need to extend the Kingdom of Christ through authenticity and love:

“The charity of Christ urges us on. The love that God has poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit drives Christian faithful to live increasingly for the good of men and to bear true witness to Christ” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 863).

Additionally, St. Paul exhorts us to test everything and hold on to what is good (1 Thessalonians 5:21), and in the First Letter of John, we are warned about the need to discern spirits to avoid falling into the deceptions of false prophets (1 John 4:1).

Skepticism, fueled by experiences of manipulation and deception, should not lead us to despair but to a prudent and constant search for the truth, relying on authentic faith and the charity of Christ.

A New Beginning with the Grace of God and the Virgin

When I converted, through the grace received from the Virgin, a grace of the Holy Spirit, the difficult part began. Since then, I have had a tenacious struggle against the suspicion and doubts that apparitions and miracles awaken in me. On one hand, I have absolute faith that they happened and continue to happen, that some apparitions of the Virgin are true, and that private revelations have somehow continued to reinforce and refresh the revealed truth about the Triune God.

Nevertheless, every day I suffer and feel the emptiness and doubt again, the suspicion of anyone who claims to have seen, no matter how honest they present themselves. I recognize that the fault is mine, that I was damaged by those early manipulations I witnessed in my childhood and youth, and I will probably have to endure this until the end of my days.

Being aware of my own wounds and skepticism is, in itself, a step towards healing and acceptance. St. Augustine taught us: “A search for God is made even when he is not fully understood.” It is essential to remember that faith is a gift and that the Christian life is a path of constant conversion and renewal. The struggle against doubts can be a means through which God purifies us and strengthens us in faith, bringing us closer to Him with a sincere heart.

In the Scriptures, the apostle Thomas, also known as “Doubting Thomas,” went through a similar process. He doubted the Resurrection of the Lord until he could see and touch the wounds of the risen Christ (John 20:24-29). Jesus did not reject Thomas for his unbelief; instead, He provided the evidence Thomas needed. This shows us that God understands our doubts and can use them to help us grow in faith.

St. John Paul II also taught us that “faith and reason are like two wings on which the human spirit rises to the contemplation of truth” (Fides et Ratio). This means that our doubts and questions are not obstacles on the path of faith but tools that God can use to lead us to a deeper understanding of His truth.

However, through prayer and the presence of God in my life, I ask the Holy Spirit to give me strength and help me believe. The passage in the Bible where a man asks Our Lord Jesus Christ, “Help my unbelief,” resonates deeply with me (Mark 9:24). Believing is an everyday matter. At every moment, one must reaffirm God in their life and recognize His saving work. I apologize to all those I have caused doubts with my questions. I hope to forgive myself as well for having doubted so much. But, to say it with the prayer of St. Faustina: “Jesus, I trust in You. Jesus, I surrender to You.”

In conclusion, although doubts and skepticism may be inevitable parts of our human experience, especially when we have witnessed manipulations and deceptions, we must remember that God’s grace is always available to guide and strengthen us. May we open our hearts to that grace and continue seeking the truth with humility and confidence, knowing that God accompanies us every step of the way.